Answered Prayers

 When I was pregnant with Annie leading up to delivery, it was no walk in the park but overall went pretty normal.   This pregnancy I expected no different but I was dead wrong.  This pregnancy has been a stressful, emotional roller coaster and far more difficult than the 1^st time around…

1^st trimester I had very intense headaches, headaches that were so bad, my equilibrium was thrown off.  I haven’t been nauseous but my gagging reflexes are out of control to the point where I’ve been throwing up, even to this day far into my 2^nd trimester.  I’ve been tired but more so just have that worn down feeling all the time.  I just don’t feel like myself whatsoever.  And you know what?  That doesn’t even come close to scratching the surface of what we’ve been dealing with lately.  

Several weeks ago, I went from an incredible high to a crashing low.  We had just found out on a Saturday that our little baby’s gender was a girl, I was so full of energy that day and was on cloud 9 about finding out we were having another girl.  I seriously smiled all day long.   Later in that week, I kept having a missed call and really didn’t think much of it or even put any effort to look up the number.  Thursday afternoon, I was working from home (thank GOD) and the number called again and this time I answered.  It was my Ob-Gyn office and within the first 30 seconds I could tell it wasn’t a good call… it was a doctor on the other line, not a nurse.  She had some test results from my latest lab draw that she wanted to review with me.  She started by telling me that the down-syndrome test came back fine and normal BUT that my alpha fetoproteins (AFP) levels came back elevated which is an indicator for a neural tube defect (brain or spine)/spina bifida or an opening in the baby’s abdominal wall.  Normal results would not trigger a phone call if they were 1 in 145 chances or greater.  My elevations equated to a 1 in 4 chance.  I couldn’t even process what she was telling me.  My first question was how did this happen?  What did I do?  What should I be doing?  The answer was nothing.  I didn’t do a thing nor was there anything I can start doing but would need to be seen be a perinatal specialist as the results were just an indicator, not a diagnosis.  I would have an in-depth ultrasound to determine if there are any defects in our precious baby’s developing body.  

It felt like a ton of bricks came crashing down on me, my mind was racing and I couldn’t imagine anything less than the perfect image of health in the toddler we have now, I was completely overwhelmed.   We started Googling to learn more and I read enough to make the situation worst that I decided from that point on that I would not Google it any further until we know the results; that we had to plug 100% into our faith in God and put our trust in Him alone.   And as hard as it was, I didn’t Google it once for those next few weeks leading up our appointment nor have I Googled anything since.

My perinatal appointment was a long 2 week wait.  I was desperate in prayer, my tank of joy was already on low prior to this and this just zapped what little was left.  My headaches were out of control and I mostly just did a lot of moping around.  I tried to find joy in playing with Annie but looking into her precious eyes just made it hurt more because I just couldn’t imagine anything other than her perfection of health.  Of course I would love our baby just as much no matter what health she may enter this world in but it just overwhelmed me that I was now in a situation where it could be a reality.

I think I told Aaron daily that I was terribly anxious of our appointment and I just want to get it over with.  During this wait, I got a really bad head cold, Annie had 2 severe ear infections back to back that landed us in Urgent Care and the doctor’s office thereafter twice.  I woke up most nights not able to fall back to sleep for hours on end.   And not to leave Aaron out of the ‘fun’, Annie decided to push the exact combination of buttons to erase Aaron’s entire phone that houses all his client’s data.  I was on the brink of losing my mind.    

During this time, we had our Christmas weekend with our family.  I got thru the weekend but my headaches were intense and I feel like I missed out on a lot because I needed to step away and lay down in a quiet room often as all the stimulation of everyone was making my anxiety run high.  I was in tears that I barely made it thru helping Annie open her gifts as my mind was elsewhere in that moment.

But in light of the storm we were (are) in, I had (and have) a lot of hope though that everything would be okay.  The biggest piece of hope I had is that the week we got this call, we just had a thorough ultra sound to find out our baby’s gender.  And the ultra sound tech showed us her brain, her spine, her little baby belly and kept saying we have a healthy baby girl.  I also looked back at every situation in my life where I felt hopeless and how God pulled us thru every single circumstance we’ve been thru so far and we ended up on the other side better than we could ever imagine, never once in my life can I say God has failed us.  Underneath all my layers of stress, anxiety and worry, I truly and honestly felt everything is going to be okay, regardless of results.

My close support system during this time was the most amazing they’ve ever been.  I had a good friend who dropped what she was doing to take a call to talk thru things with me.  I had a friend who shared some powerful scripture with me, in particular 2 Corinthians 1 8-9 “For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death.  But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.”  Wow did that resonate with me; I spent a lot of time thinking on that verse.  I had friends’ texting me thru the week, letting me know they were praying.  One the day of, I had several friend’s reach out to me first thing in the morning saying hey I know today is the day, I’m thinking of you and praying hard for you.  I had confided in one coworker who said you know what, I had a similar experience with one of my babies and the results were wrong and she is perfectly healthy today.   Hope.Love.Support…surrounded us.

I also went for the first time to a prayer service at my church.  I met a lady who felt like my Godsend.  She prayed a prayer over me that brought tears streaming down my face.  She prayed for things I didn’t even tell her I was dealing with that moved me.  I left there feeling very touched by her prayer and it brought me a lot of peace that evening.   Aaron holding my hand and praying aloud for our baby brought me peace.  My support system really humbled me that so many of our close friends and family cared so very much and were deeply concerned.

The morning of our appointment, we walked into the Perinatal Center for the first time ever.  The first thing I saw was a couple sitting in the waiting room, she had her head on her husband’s chest and they had a somber look in their eyes.  On the wall was a listing of perinatal services, not one thing listed was something a mother would ever want to be seen for.  I knew at that moment, everyone in this waiting room have been dealt some sort of terrible news about their precious baby.  When our name was called, we first met with a Genetics Counselor, she was really comforting and reassuring in our consultation.  I felt my hope grow stronger.  She mentioned that if the ultrasound seems to be going extra-long or they are spending extra time looking at the brain or spine, don’t be alarmed, that usually means they are just making absolute sure there is nothing there they are missing.  She also mentioned that these things they are looking for usually are very noticeable and are seen right away in an ultrasound so she mentioned that if I just had a normal ultrasound right before my phone call that was really hopeful going into this.  And she also mentioned what I reminded myself often of leading up to this, my chances were 1 in 4, which meant 3 in 4 likelihood nothing is wrong whatsoever with my baby.   Lots to remain hopeful for.

We were then moved into our ultrasound; I couldn’t sit back and just enjoy watching my baby bounce around on the screen because I was looking for any little thing that looked wrong.   My eyes couldn’t tell if I was seeing any holes in my little baby’s brain or spine.  I kept taking really deep breaths in and out and my ultrasound tech kept asking me if I’m okay, I replied yes just nervous.  When it was over, all I could think was that went way to fast, I didn’t feel like she spent an extra-long time on the spine or brain, that makes me worried she saw something right away.

When we left the ultrasound room, we were greeted by a nurse who then made me frustrated.  She said that we had over an hour before the doctor would get to our results and we should probably just leave and grab lunch and come back.  Really?  More waiting?  So we left and I immediately told Aaron I didn’t feel good about how the ultrasound went and I was not hungry whatsoever.  We ended up still grabbing lunch and on the way back I started to really panic saying I don’t want to go back, I don’t want to hear one way or another, I just can’t do this right now… I literally wanted to go home, crawl in my bed, pull the covers over my head and pretend none of this was happening.  We pulled into one of our Church’s parking lots and said a prayer in the car together and walked back into the Perinatal Center to get our results.

The doctor walked in and immediately said before she even sat down – everything looks good, we don’t see any neural tube defects present, the baby is healthy with 97% confidence.   I completely bursted into tears, relieved and clasped my hands saying to myself “Thank you GOD! Thank you GOD!”  The doctor explained that my AFP levels are high, higher than a usual high reading so she can’t shake it as a false-positive result, that there is an issue.  She said that when they can rule out the baby, they look at the placenta.  My placenta had no tumors present or any red flags but she said that basically she feels pretty certain that my placenta will eventually stop giving the baby the nutrients she needs and my baby’s growth will become restricted to the point where she likely will be a smaller baby and will result in an earlier delivery.  Again, this was just her perception of where my pregnancy was heading without any real results that proves 100% this will be my case.

I asked a lot of questions, one being if I should be checked out for why my levels are high that could be non-pregnancy related, maybe something is wrong with me and could solve my headache issue.  She got very direct with me and verbatim told me not to look past the ‘elephant in the room’ and said it’s your placenta, I’m telling you I’ve seen this enough to know that’s where this is heading.   She then harped on me for a good 40 minutes about eating healthy.  That is the only thing I can do at this time is to eat as healthy as I possibly can so that the baby is being delivered the best nutrients possible while my placenta is getting her what she needs.  My baby’s growth is on track today and she is getting her nutrients so make it count while I can, especially on making sure I get my protein intake in my diet.  She said that she has seen in a few instances this situation where pregnancies making it full term just by eating healthy.  Now eating healthy alone likely will not change my path but it will make a difference.   But she also did mention that I shouldn’t get so completely consumed by this that I don’t allow myself a treat every now and then but let’s make at least a 70% change in my diet.  Totally do-able!  That’s a 4.5 month sacrifice I can make and honestly I was aware I needed to eat healthier, I just needed a wake-up call to get my butt in gear, wish it could have been under other circumstances though…

We left with a plan, I would be seen bi-weekly, once by the Perinatal center, then by my normal ob-gyn, then at 32 weeks, I’ll be seen weekly and if the baby’s starts falling behind in growth, I’ll be then seen twice a week to monitor if early delivery is necessary.

When we left, I felt relieved and frequently thanked God for our answered prayer.  But I wasn’t leaving complete reassured, I felt like the doctor is expecting growth issues and the unknowns still rests heavy in my mind but my hope isn’t shattered.  God answered our prayers big time and He has never left our side. Ever. I went home that night and slept completely sound for the first time in weeks. 

Fast forward later that week, by Wednesday I started to feel like things felt more manageable.  Then on Friday I went in for my normal ob-gyn appointment and my doctor walks in and first said thank goodness for my results and we talked thru them.  But then she told me that my AFP isn’t just high, it’s off the charts high, like over 2x the level it should be and she was shocked by my results and really thought this was a neural tube defect.  We also talked about what’s to come and she said… ‘preparing for complications’ and ‘we have to watch for preclampsia.’  Ugh, the words I fear most!   I really like my doctor, I don’t think she was trying to scare the living daylights out of me but as my doctor, she wants to make sure we are on the same page and I know she is watching this pregnancy closely now.

Leaving that appointment, I was once again completely overwhelmed.  I told Aaron I was scared.  Like really, really scared and not ready for what may come.  I also told him I knew my levels were high but she just said that are ridiculously high and I just get the sense from my perinatal doctor and my ob doctor that they really foresee bumps starting in week 32.  Luckily Aaron is really good at handling this type of stuff and knows how to level me out when I start worrying like crazy.  Shortly after we left, I got this email from him:

Isaiah 41:10  fear not, for I am with you;  be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you,  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Love you very much!

What better husband and father could I ask for?!  Thank God I married a man of faith. 

That day, it really sunk in for me that we didn’t just have an answered prayer, we got a miracle.  What an emotional roller coaster, I had tears of joy/humbled by our miracle but yet tears of being terrified for the unknowns.  My levels are high and we don’t know why today that is.  I don’t want to worry, stress or fear what’s ahead but I have to be honest that I am scared.  But God’s plan prevails.  I put my full trust that God will carry us thru this.  I’m still prayerful and hopeful all will be okay.  I keep seeing this vision in my mind where next summer, I’m sitting on the couch and Annie is playing and Baby C (1^st initial!) is crawling on the floor and I’m healthy, Baby C is healthy, Annie is certainly more than healthy and being her ornery self and our family is complete and happy beyond anything we can ever imagine.  I can’t wait for that day  when this comes full circle and will never take those moments for granted, ever.

So forgive me for the long, mostly depressing blog post!  And forgive me if I’m not myself lately.  Forgive me if I forget to ask you how YOU are because I’m so focused in another thought.  Forgive me if I need to step away and lay down because I’m dealing with a headache.  Right now, I’m focusing on praying for Baby C throughout my day but then resuming back to my day.  I’m done and sick and tired of sitting between prayers consumed by worry.  This is Christmas week, the sin of worrying isn’t going to rob me from my family and friends and take my joy.  And how fitting that we are celebrating the BIRTH of our Savior?  A sweet baby born into this world to save us all.  Let us put our joy in the good news.  

If you are reading this though, can do you do us a favor?  Pray for us.  Pray for Baby C’s health, pray for my health.  Pray that I stay hopeful and faithful.  Pray that I have a completely normal full-term pregnancy and the doctors are dead wrong.   We’ve gotten a miracle and answered prayer in this journey so far, with God nothing is impossible.  Praise God for answered prayers!

“And we are confident that He hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases Him. And since we know He hears us when we make our requests, we also know that He will give us what we ask for” 1 John 5:14-15.