Mommin' Ain't Easy

As I’m preparing for Baby #2, I find myself thinking back to my 1^st pregnancy and realized I’m a more confident parent this time around than the 1^st time.  There are so many things I’ve learned that it’s funny how naïve it can be being a new mom and feeling the pressure of not messing up this new role we have.  I came across a shirt the other day that I love and plan on ordering because it really sums up this Mom job perfectly: Mommin’ Ain’t Easy.  

So here were my naïve moments learned to pass along to you, new mom.

Birth plans are likely nurse’s comical reads.  I had what I thought was a well written one page birth plan and in my mind had no reason to doubt that it would go any differently than exactly how I documented it on that one pager.  It included buzz words such as ‘no c-section’ and ‘epidural please, just not too early and not too late’ and ‘no vacuum’ and ‘no pacis’ and ‘no formula’ and by the way I have a music playlist that I created with the sound of ocean waves to help keep me calm and relaxed.  And every time a new nurse came in, I was adamant to make sure she knew I had a birth plan and then I would later follow up to ensure she had read that said birth plan.  I was a birth plan maniac.  Well guess what?  There were no calming ocean waves playing in the background.  I had a failed epidural.  They tried using the vacuum.  I had a c-section.  And allowed them to give my baby formula and a paci after realizing it was necessary.  My birth plan went down the crapper and when I think about that birth plan and how it actually played out, I chuckle about it to myself today.  Although at that time it was absolutely devastating to me.

  

Well guess what new moms?  You may be devastated that your said birth plan you had played out so many times in your head decided to go 'off-roading' and take you into unknown territory but don’t let that get to you.   I honestly would tell a new mom not to bother with a birth plan, there is very little control you really have in the moment as to what is best for your baby and delivery so my advice is don’t get hung up executing that ‘perfect’ birth plan you have in mind because you are just setting yourself up for disappointment.  But if you want… feel free to write one just for the nurse’s comical pleasure as I’m sure they love a good chuckle from them, as mine likely did just that.

To get the epidural or not?  Don’t be a fool.  Listen closely new moms… there is no secret award ceremony where prizes are handed out to mom’s who choose not to have an epidural.  Nobody cares at the end of the day that you choose not to have an epidural; you aren’t proving anything to anyone by making that decision.  What I can tell you is I got the epidural and to my misfortune it backfired for me and made my heart rate drop to the point where they had to get me an emergency ephedra shot.  I don’t know if my body just didn’t respond to the epidural or after the heart rate dropped they just took me off of it but I went thru a terribly long labor with no pain relief whatsoever and it was completely exhausting.  You want the epidural, trust me.  Can you do it without one?  Yes you can.  But WHY?!  The truth is contractions really don’t hurt much if you are pushing thru them.  But the reality is you get no breaks because taking a break hurts too much so pushing for 30 seconds and taking a break for 30 seconds is all you get and if you are an unfortunate soul like I was, this went on for me for 4 solid hours with no extra breaks, there was no 5 minute break during all of that.  The exhaustion is completely taxing on your body and it just makes recovery that much longer.  And P.S., I did not go to a special award ceremony and received a plaque that said congrats on enduring the pains of child labor!  So don’t be a damn fool, get the epidural that assists in keeping your energy levels up and I hope it provides a glorious pain-free labor for you!

‘Breast is Best’… or so society says.   I felt an incredible amount of pressure by today’s society to breast feed my child and if I didn’t meet my 6 month self-imposed goal, then I would be a failure as a mom.  I seriously thought that about myself!  This one actually angers me quite a bit that society is putting pressure on new moms to think that formula is the devil.  I actually had no issues nursing, Annie was a good nurser from day 1, and did great commingling formula, bottles, nursing and paci all at the same time; I just personally hated the whole nursing experience myself.  I can’t imagine if I actually had issues on top of it such as latching and how society would make me feel then.  It’s not fair for us to do this to each other, moms!

     

I decided to give up nursing at 4 ½ months and it turned out to be the best decision.  Trying to nurse and pump simultaneously and all the cleaning of the supplies was life consuming and exhausting… and I really didn’t get that ‘bonding’ feel that most moms say they get.  I felt like we couldn’t go anywhere for very long because I’d have to nurse or pump, it really interfered with our life.  I actually felt like a human cow and hated every aspect of it.  But I did it as long as I could because I do agree that nursing has some benefits over formula but to sacrifice happiness to continue to nurse and take that time away in how I preferred to bond with my baby?  Not worth it.  With baby #2, I plan to nurse for as long as I can but I plan on commingling formula pretty much right away too.  The difference this time will be when I really start to resent it, I’ll just stop doing it and not put myself thru that misery.

It was actually amazing that once I stopped nursing, I all of sudden had a burst of energy again and I lost the last of my baby weight I had been carrying and I felt like myself again which in turn made me a better mom and wife to my family.  Moral of the story… don’t let the pressure of society get to you, do what works for you, even if you get looks in public for bottle feeding your baby formula.  Shouldn’t it be more important that you are providing your baby food, whether its breast milk or formula, you are giving the baby the nutrition that she needs and formula fed babies are just as smart and as healthy as breast fed babies…trust me, they’ll turn out fine either way!   Let’s just be pro-nourishment society, who cares how the baby gets their food, just feed our babies.

My body is ruined… I might as well buy mom jeans, one piece swimsuits and cut my hair super short and feel ugly forever.  NOT TRUE!!!  Unless mom jeans, one pieces and short hair is your style, and by all means I’ve seen moms that can pull off all 3 and look super trendy but your body isn’t ruined!  I totally thought that having a c-section was basically going to ruin my body and I’d never get it back and that I would forever feel ugly and fat.  So here’s the truth… it does take time.  I lost my weight actually relatively quickly by doing really nothing.  And most moms do shrink down quickly by doing nothing at all.  Your body is amazingly resilient.  But I found that toning does take TIME and WORK but 6 months post-partum after lots of hard work getting back into shape, I actually had a slightly better body than I did pre-pregnancy.  And I had abs, they still existed afterwards.  Don’t give up hope!  I can testify that c-sections do not ruin your body.

So don’t go burning your whole wardrobe and pulling scissors out of a drawer and going off the deep end.  Just give yourself time.  You may have to buy a one piece swimsuit for a while because need I remind you… it takes TIME.  But you’ll get there.  Oh and by the way, I did chop my hair off, 6 inches shortly after Annie was born.  And everyone said ‘oh you got that mom cut, didn’t you?!’ um no… I actually had contemplated cutting it over the past 2 years and finally had the courage to do it; it had nothing at all to do with getting a ‘mom cut.’   I actually got a good chuckle when I was labeled with the mom cut and was like that’s cool, call it what you want.

 

Parenting classes, worth it but like college, only some of what you learn truly actually applies to real life.  Before Annie was born, I took every opportunity I could to prepare ourselves to be the best parents we could.  I had read multiple parenting books, in which I highlighted the main points for Aaron then to read.  We took newborn classes, birthing classes, breastfeeding classes… we toured multiple hospitals.  I read Parents magazine and tucked all the freebie pamphlets I could into my purse at the doctor’s office.   I subscribed to weekly email subscriptions of Baby Center for goodness sake.  I could tell you weekly that my baby was the size of a papaya this week and in 2 weeks she’d be a cantaloupe.  I nested like crazy, cleaned and sanitizing every surface.  We practiced swaddling and I may have skimmed over the parts in birthing class on induced labors, c-sections and colicky babies because that would never happen to us extremely prepared parents, now would it?  Whoops.  Probably should’ve read those parts.  When Annie’s colic became present at 3 weeks old and lasted a solid 6 months, I was like “Noooo!! Not us!  We took all the classes!  This is totally embarrassing that we can’t figure this out!”  What I’ve learned is every parent has some sort of struggle they weren’t prepared to face, whether it’s feeding issues, sleeping patterns, colic, special diets, etc.  You certainly can’t be prepared for everything and you just have to learn as you go most of the time.  And by the way, I have no idea what fruit my 2nd pregnancy compares to this week but I can tell you I feel as though I’ve swallowed a watermelon.

When they say it’s just a phase…good news is… it likely is just a phase.   Annie’s colic came on hard and strong.  She was not a baby that liked to be held, was a ticking time bomb during the day and the one thing that was dependable was her scream crying from 6-10 pm every day.  It was a nightmare.  I felt as if I was robbed of those early moments because I found it really hard to bond and love on a baby that was screaming in my face most of the time.  Of course I loved her but her colic was kicking our butts and we rarely had moments when we could just soak her in and smile and love on her because for the most part we were doing everything we could to try to calm and soothe her, which was not the bonding experience I was envisioning.  When other parents would say, my baby only cries when something is wrong or my baby has different cries to tell us what she needs.  Um, all I could think was my baby has one cry and it was a blood curdling constant scream.  I remember thinking, I wonder what it would be like if my baby only cried when something was really wrong?  Like I have no idea what that would be like, at all.

We tried everything and every night after she went to bed I Googled colic solutions in hopes of finding something we hadn’t tried yet.  We were given lots and lots of advice, which generally was repetitive but the one best pieces of advice I ever got came from a co-worker.  I’ll never forget it either because I was feeling especially defeated on that particular day and she goes “You know what was the best thing someone ever told me as a new parent?  When I was told it’s just a phase, it really is.  This will eventually come to an end, it won’t last forever.”  And you know what?  It was the most truthful piece of advice I was ever given.  There was no solution to Annie’s colic, her digestive system needed time to mature and in the meantime, we just had to live thru the phase and do our best but ultimately, it wasn’t for us to solve.  When times get tough and you’ve tried everything under the moon, it’s likely just a phase moms and it too will past eventually.

Another best piece of advice, sleep when baby sleeps.  My 2^nd best piece of advice was to sleep when the baby sleeps during my maternity leave.  And I did just that.  I didn’t worry about cleaning the house or getting to the scrap-booking project I had intended on while on leave.  I just slept.  And it felt good.  Eventually I gave up my afternoon nap once my body healed from delivery but I kept my morning nap.  It helped get me thru the rest of the day immensely.  Give your body the rest it needs.  You’ll need it mama.

That Mama Intuition IS there.  Somewhere deep inside you it does exist.  I liked kids.  But never felt a strong motherly intuition before having kids.  Many times before Annie was born, I wondered if I was meant to be a mom in this life.  I thought well maybe I’m one of those that just lives life as a wife without children.  But then in the back of my mind, part of me wanted to have kids.  And you know what that back of the mind stuff is called?  Motherly intuition.  Now since I am a mom, I feel foolish to think that I actually questioned if I had motherly intuition because I definitely do!  I actually think I’m a pretty awesome mom to Annie, although not perfect… I now know with confidence that I WAS meant to do this job in life (and thank God right, because the kid is already here).  If you are struggling to determine if you have motherly intuition that probably is a pretty good sign that you do.

Bad, bad things are going to happen, that you won’t want to tell anyone!  I don’t even know if I want to tell you this, but this is what my friends have admitted to me.  They were giving their baby a bath in the sink and he fell off the counter and had to be rushed to the ER to find out he was just fine.  Another fell out of her highchair because their parents neglected to strap her in.  Another fell down her basement stairs with baby in her arms.  Another turned a corner and rammed their baby’s head into the side of a doorway.  My confession… last fall I slammed Annie’s little finger into a door and luckily I caught the door before it fully shut because I’m pretty sure I would have severed her finger otherwise.  She cried for a good hour and I felt like the crappiest parent ever.  Accidents happen and you aren’t alone out there.  And rarely are these accidents considered life threatening but are mostly bumps and bruises they will heal from.  It’s always best to have your baby checked out by a doctor than not but good news is, you likely will be sent home with any worries of long term damage put to rest.  You aren’t a crappy parent, but you may have moments when you feel like one.

And in conclusion… So to all the new Moms out there, I was just like you once.  My life was perfect, tidy and neat and that all got turned side-ways at times but for the better when I took on the Mom role.  Although I was terrified about becoming a parent, I felt like I did my best beforehand in preparation but what I’ve learned is… Mommin’ Ain’t Easy.  Do your best, love on your child, listen to seasoned moms as they do have the best advice a lot of time but know that when things get challenging… don’t beat yourself up and I betcha your kid will turn out just fine regardless.