When I was pregnant
with Annie leading up to delivery, it was no walk in the park but overall went
pretty normal. This pregnancy I
expected no different but I was dead wrong.
This pregnancy has been a stressful, emotional roller coaster and far
more difficult than the 1st time around…
1st trimester I had very intense headaches,
headaches that were so bad, my equilibrium was thrown off. I haven’t been nauseous but my gagging
reflexes are out of control to the point where I’ve been throwing up, even to
this day far into my 2nd trimester.
I’ve been tired but more so just have that worn down feeling all the
time. I just don’t feel like myself
whatsoever. And you know what? That doesn’t even come close to scratching
the surface of what we’ve been dealing with lately.
Several weeks ago, I went from an incredible high to a
crashing low. We had just found out on a
Saturday that our little baby’s gender was a girl, I was so full of energy that
day and was on cloud 9 about finding out we were having another girl. I seriously smiled all day long. Later in that week, I kept having a missed
call and really didn’t think much of it or even put any effort to look up the
number. Thursday afternoon, I was
working from home (thank GOD) and the number called again and this time I
answered. It was my Ob-Gyn office and
within the first 30 seconds I could tell it wasn’t a good call… it was a doctor
on the other line, not a nurse. She had
some test results from my latest lab draw that she wanted to review with
me. She started by telling me that the
down-syndrome test came back fine and normal BUT that my alpha fetoproteins
(AFP) levels came back elevated which is an indicator for a neural tube defect
(brain or spine)/spina bifida or an opening in the baby’s abdominal wall. Normal results would not trigger a phone call
if they were 1 in 145 chances or greater.
My elevations equated to a 1 in 4 chance. I couldn’t even process what she was telling
me. My first question was how did this
happen? What did I do? What should I be doing? The answer was nothing. I didn’t do a thing nor was there anything I
can start doing but would need to be seen be a perinatal specialist as the
results were just an indicator, not a diagnosis. I would have an in-depth ultrasound to
determine if there are any defects in our precious baby’s developing body.
It felt like a ton of bricks came crashing down on me, my
mind was racing and I couldn’t imagine anything less than the perfect image of
health in the toddler we have now, I was completely overwhelmed. We started Googling to learn more and I read
enough to make the situation worst that I decided from that point on that I
would not Google it any further until we know the results; that we had to plug
100% into our faith in God and put our trust in Him alone. And as hard as it was, I didn’t Google it
once for those next few weeks leading up our appointment nor have I Googled
anything since.
My perinatal appointment was a long 2 week wait. I was desperate in prayer, my tank of joy was
already on low prior to this and this just zapped what little was left. My headaches were out of control and I mostly
just did a lot of moping around. I tried
to find joy in playing with Annie but looking into her precious eyes just made
it hurt more because I just couldn’t imagine anything other than her perfection
of health. Of course I would love our
baby just as much no matter what health she may enter this world in but it just
overwhelmed me that I was now in a situation where it could be a reality.
I think I told Aaron daily that I was terribly anxious of
our appointment and I just want to get it over with. During this wait, I got a really bad head
cold, Annie had 2 severe ear infections back to back that landed us in Urgent
Care and the doctor’s office thereafter twice.
I woke up most nights not able to fall back to sleep for hours on
end. And not to leave Aaron out of the ‘fun’,
Annie decided to push the exact combination of buttons to erase Aaron’s entire
phone that houses all his client’s data.
I was on the brink of losing my mind.
During this time, we had our Christmas weekend with our
family. I got thru the weekend but my
headaches were intense and I feel like I missed out on a lot because I needed
to step away and lay down in a quiet room often as all the stimulation of
everyone was making my anxiety run high.
I was in tears that I barely made it thru helping Annie open her gifts
as my mind was elsewhere in that moment.
But in light of the storm we were (are) in, I had (and have)
a lot of hope though that everything would be okay. The biggest piece of hope I had is that the
week we got this call, we just had a thorough ultra sound to find out our
baby’s gender. And the ultra sound tech
showed us her brain, her spine, her little baby belly and kept saying we have a
healthy baby girl. I also looked back at
every situation in my life where I felt hopeless and how God pulled us thru
every single circumstance we’ve been thru so far and we ended up on the other
side better than we could ever imagine, never once in my life can I say God has
failed us. Underneath all my layers of
stress, anxiety and worry, I truly and honestly felt everything is going to be
okay, regardless of results.
My close support system during this time was the most
amazing they’ve ever been. I had a good
friend who dropped what she was doing to take a call to talk thru things with
me. I had a friend who shared some powerful
scripture with me, in particular 2 Corinthians 1 8-9 “For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired
of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we
had received the sentence of death. But
that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.” Wow did that resonate with me; I spent a
lot of time thinking on that verse. I
had friends’ texting me thru the week, letting me know they were praying. One the day of, I had several friend’s reach
out to me first thing in the morning saying hey I know today is the day, I’m
thinking of you and praying hard for you.
I had confided in one coworker who said you know what, I had a similar
experience with one of my babies and the results were wrong and she is
perfectly healthy today. Hope.Love.Support…surrounded
us.
I also went for the first time to a prayer service at my
church. I met a lady who felt like my
Godsend. She prayed a prayer over me
that brought tears streaming down my face.
She prayed for things I didn’t even tell her I was dealing with that
moved me. I left there feeling very
touched by her prayer and it brought me a lot of peace that evening. Aaron holding my hand and praying aloud for
our baby brought me peace. My support
system really humbled me that so many of our close friends and family cared so
very much and were deeply concerned.
The morning of our appointment, we walked into the Perinatal
Center for the first time ever. The
first thing I saw was a couple sitting in the waiting room, she had her head on
her husband’s chest and they had a somber look in their eyes. On the wall was a listing of perinatal
services, not one thing listed was something a mother would ever want to be
seen for. I knew at that moment, everyone
in this waiting room have been dealt some sort of terrible news about their
precious baby. When our name was called,
we first met with a Genetics Counselor, she was really comforting and
reassuring in our consultation. I felt
my hope grow stronger. She mentioned
that if the ultrasound seems to be going extra-long or they are spending extra
time looking at the brain or spine, don’t be alarmed, that usually means they
are just making absolute sure there is nothing there they are missing. She also mentioned that these things they are
looking for usually are very noticeable and are seen right away in an ultrasound
so she mentioned that if I just had a normal ultrasound right before my phone call
that was really hopeful going into this.
And she also mentioned what I reminded myself often of leading up to
this, my chances were 1 in 4, which meant 3 in 4 likelihood nothing is wrong
whatsoever with my baby. Lots to remain hopeful for.
We were then moved into our ultrasound; I couldn’t sit back
and just enjoy watching my baby bounce around on the screen because I was
looking for any little thing that looked wrong. My eyes couldn’t tell if I was seeing any
holes in my little baby’s brain or spine.
I kept taking really deep breaths in and out and my ultrasound tech kept
asking me if I’m okay, I replied yes just nervous. When it was over, all I could think was that
went way to fast, I didn’t feel like she spent an extra-long time on the spine
or brain, that makes me worried she saw something right away.
When we left the ultrasound room, we were greeted by a nurse
who then made me frustrated. She said
that we had over an hour before the doctor would get to our results and we
should probably just leave and grab lunch and come back. Really?
More waiting? So we left and I
immediately told Aaron I didn’t feel good about how the ultrasound went and I
was not hungry whatsoever. We ended up
still grabbing lunch and on the way back I started to really panic saying I
don’t want to go back, I don’t want to hear one way or another, I just can’t do
this right now… I literally wanted to go home, crawl in my bed, pull the covers
over my head and pretend none of this was happening. We pulled into one of our Church’s parking
lots and said a prayer in the car together and walked back into the Perinatal
Center to get our results.
The doctor walked in and immediately said before she even sat
down – everything looks good, we don’t see any neural tube defects present, the
baby is healthy with 97% confidence. I completely bursted into tears, relieved and
clasped my hands saying to myself “Thank you GOD! Thank you GOD!” The doctor explained that my AFP levels are
high, higher than a usual high reading so she can’t shake it as a
false-positive result, that there is an issue.
She said that when they can rule out the baby, they look at the
placenta. My placenta had no tumors present
or any red flags but she said that basically she feels pretty certain that my
placenta will eventually stop giving the baby the nutrients she needs and my
baby’s growth will become restricted to the point where she likely will be a
smaller baby and will result in an earlier delivery. Again, this was just her perception of where
my pregnancy was heading without any real results that proves 100% this will be
my case.
I asked a lot of questions, one being if I should be checked
out for why my levels are high that could be non-pregnancy related, maybe
something is wrong with me and could solve my headache issue. She got very direct with me and verbatim told
me not to look past the ‘elephant in the room’ and said it’s your placenta, I’m
telling you I’ve seen this enough to know that’s where this is heading. She then harped on me for a good 40 minutes
about eating healthy. That is the only
thing I can do at this time is to eat as healthy as I possibly can so that the
baby is being delivered the best nutrients possible while my placenta is
getting her what she needs. My baby’s
growth is on track today and she is getting her nutrients so make it count
while I can, especially on making sure I get my protein intake in my diet. She said that she has seen in a few instances
this situation where pregnancies making it full term just by eating
healthy. Now eating healthy alone likely
will not change my path but it will make a difference. But she also did mention that I shouldn’t
get so completely consumed by this that I don’t allow myself a treat every now
and then but let’s make at least a 70% change in my diet. Totally do-able! That’s a 4.5 month sacrifice I can make and
honestly I was aware I needed to eat healthier, I just needed a wake-up call to
get my butt in gear, wish it could have been under other circumstances though…
We left with a plan, I would be seen bi-weekly, once by the
Perinatal center, then by my normal ob-gyn, then at 32 weeks, I’ll be seen
weekly and if the baby’s starts falling behind in growth, I’ll be then seen
twice a week to monitor if early delivery is necessary.
When we left, I felt relieved and frequently thanked God for
our answered prayer. But I wasn’t leaving
complete reassured, I felt like the doctor is expecting growth issues and the
unknowns still rests heavy in my mind but my hope isn’t shattered. God answered our prayers big time and He has
never left our side. Ever. I went home that night and slept completely sound for the first time in weeks.
Fast forward later that week, by Wednesday I started to feel
like things felt more manageable. Then
on Friday I went in for my normal ob-gyn appointment and my doctor walks in and
first said thank goodness for my results and we talked thru them. But then she told me that my AFP isn’t just
high, it’s off the charts high, like over 2x the level it should be and she was
shocked by my results and really thought this was a neural tube defect. We also talked about what’s to come and she
said… ‘preparing for complications’ and ‘we have to watch for preclampsia.’ Ugh, the words I fear most! I
really like my doctor, I don’t think she was trying to scare the living
daylights out of me but as my doctor, she wants to make sure we are on the same
page and I know she is watching this pregnancy closely now.
Leaving that appointment, I was once again completely
overwhelmed. I told Aaron I was
scared. Like really, really scared and
not ready for what may come. I also told
him I knew my levels were high but she just said that are ridiculously high and
I just get the sense from my perinatal doctor and my ob doctor that they really
foresee bumps starting in week 32. Luckily Aaron is really good at handling this
type of stuff and knows how to level me out when I start worrying like
crazy. Shortly after we left, I got this
email from him:
Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not
dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I
will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Love you very much!
What better husband and father could I ask
for?! Thank God I married a man of faith.
That day, it really sunk in for me that
we didn’t just have an answered prayer, we got a miracle. What an emotional roller coaster, I had tears
of joy/humbled by our miracle but yet tears of being terrified for the
unknowns. My levels are high and we don’t
know why today that is. I don’t want to
worry, stress or fear what’s ahead but I have to be honest that I am
scared. But God’s plan prevails. I put my full trust that God will carry us
thru this. I’m still prayerful and
hopeful all will be okay. I keep seeing
this vision in my mind where next summer, I’m sitting on the couch and Annie is
playing and Baby C (1st initial!) is crawling on the floor and I’m
healthy, Baby C is healthy, Annie is certainly more than healthy and being her ornery
self and our family is complete and happy beyond anything we can ever
imagine. I can’t wait for that day when this comes full circle and will never
take those moments for granted, ever.
So forgive me for the long, mostly
depressing blog post! And forgive me if
I’m not myself lately. Forgive me if I
forget to ask you how YOU are because I’m so focused in another thought. Forgive me if I need to step away and lay
down because I’m dealing with a headache.
Right now, I’m focusing on praying for Baby C throughout my day but then
resuming back to my day. I’m done and
sick and tired of sitting between prayers consumed by worry. This is Christmas week, the sin of worrying
isn’t going to rob me from my family and friends and take my joy. And how fitting that we are celebrating the
BIRTH of our Savior? A sweet baby born
into this world to save us all. Let us
put our joy in the good news.
If you are reading this though, can do
you do us a favor? Pray for us. Pray for Baby C’s health, pray for my
health. Pray that I stay hopeful and
faithful. Pray that I have a completely
normal full-term pregnancy and the doctors are dead wrong. We’ve
gotten a miracle and answered prayer in this journey so far, with God nothing
is impossible. Praise God for answered
prayers!
“And we are confident that He hears us whenever we ask for
anything that pleases Him. And since we know He hears us when we make our
requests, we also know that He will give us what we ask for” 1 John 5:14-15.
